You want me to do WHAT?!?
If you have ever heard me talk about my struggles with body image, self-confidence, or being in front of the camera, then you’ll understand why this is probably my most vulnerable post ever.
At the Portrait Masters conference back in September, I fell into a conversation with my friend and fellow photographer Neon Howe about his new venture into intimate portraits of men. Unexpectedly, he asked if I would model for him. Seriously? Dudoir?
Instantly, I felt every bit of body image shame wash over me, terrifying me of being unclothed in front of another person, and another man at that – a man with a camera. But I also knew that the only way to get past the fear is THROUGH it, so I agreed.
The Day of the Shoot
We had scheduled the shoot to be in my hotel room the day after the conference. It was a brutally hot day, but we wanted to capture some of the natural light on the balcony and so we started with a few light tests. Before we even really got going, less than 10 minutes in, I was crying, sharing my feelings of shame, fear, and embarrassment. Neon held beautiful space for me and gently worked me through his process. In so doing, I felt the negative feelings subside and as I looked at a few of the images on the back of the camera, I finally felt ACCEPTANCE of myself and my body.
I turned 50 in the days prior to TPM and this was an unexpected gift to myself. Quite honestly, I didn’t even care what the images turned out to be. I was given a new way to see myself. Neon allowed me to slowly shed 5 decades of self-loathing, and accept the man I have become. I saw strength, and intimacy, my scars and the lines of experience across my face. Rather than judge what I saw I became gentle with myself. I felt sexy and seen and heard. I felt the weight lift off of me and realized that I needed this moment for a long time.
The Reveal
Nothing quite compares to the moment of the reveal. Neon and I met over Zoom in a process that is very similar to how I conduct my client reveals. He showed me his selections, and then we worked together to whittle them down to my favorites. ALL of the images were spectacular, but I really wanted to choose frames that made me feel the best. In the end I chose 24 photos that really captured the man I want to be.
Some of The Final Images
Conclusion
It’s a strange thing to be unburdened, to feel lighter, and to forgive myself for hiding for so long. I was amazed at how comfortable I had grown with not liking myself.
This shoot gave me a new perspective on so many things, and the true power behind the authentic connection I strive for in my work. Neon is a very special man and I am forever grateful for his kindness.
Without the SelfValue workshops and all the work that goes along with it, I probably would have declined his invitation by making up some excuse, and denied myself the best parts of Life.
I am so glad I finally chose ME.
